A week of learning

This week brought some pretty good material. After realizing just how high I scored on the verbal abuse test I wanted to take more action other than seeing a therapist once a week. That action was the purchasing of a few books. I hadn't purchased the book I originally linked because it was not at the bookstore I went to and I needed to take immediate action.
The verbally abusive man: Can he change.
Stop Hurting the Woman You Love
Controlling People
Codependent No More
Overcoming Passive-Aggression
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction

So far I've finished The Verbally Abusive Man and realized that I can change and picked up some tools to use in order to change. Reading this, (my first book on abuse) and going through some things with my therapist and really good friend I've been handed some clues as to why I am this way. Basically, the behaviors that I learned growing up and bad things I experienced (I'm a survivor of abuse myself) have been a bad influence. When I was a child having the excuse of "I didn't know any better" was ok. Being an adult however, this excuse holds no water. It's hard to know what's wrong with yourself if you think everything you do is ok. So how should one go about figuring out what is wrong when everything seems OK or at least bearable? A good friend of mine would always say, "you gotta ask yourself." Of course he was trying to get a tell from the other player at a poker table, but it holds pretty true in this context. You've got to constantly ask yourself, "is what I'm doing hurting someone else, is what I'm doing or saying hurting me?" The answer to that is pretty simple. If you answer "no" to any of these questions it means that what you are doing is wrong.

1. Are your behaviors kind?
2. Are they beneficial?
3. Are they honest?
4. Is it the right time to behave that way?

Another thing to do is take a look at what the different between the person you are and the person you want to be is. Would the best person you want to be have this effect on the world around him? Also take time to figure out exactly what is bothering you? Sometimes this second one is hard because it's not as easy to ask yourself what's bothering you if it's covered up with how you were raised or events you chose to forget that happened to you in your life. An abusive childhood or traumatic event you witnessed as a teenager can easily cover up why you do things like take peoples crap at work and come home and kick the dog. Another way to figure out what is wrong, is just start writing about what bothers you. I started a diary and this blog, it helps! Eventually you may find it easy to find a pattern in your emotions or behavior that is something you should change for the better. Then you'll know exactly what you need help solving. Once you are able to pinpoint what is wrong and have figured out why you are like that, the rest falls in place. I realized that these things are so deeply ingrained that it's going to take a lot of time and constant (daily) attention to fixing this behavior and you may to. DOn't be afraid to hear that it will take years to change things, it seems to be the going rate for most issues.
For addicts like myself, well sometimes it takes sucking it up and finding a couple other people that have been or are going through the same thing you are in life. Yes, I mean a support group. I've attempted to attend one, however got some misinformation as to the time and place.
A.A. does not mean you are a weak person, nor does it mean that there is something wrong with you.
I've had this view of "meetings" since I can remember. I shouldn't have been so quick to judge, especially since I had never been to one. Looking back I know exactly where I got this idea from. My dad. Him and I did this renovation job for a recovering alcoholic's model train room. I heard him oversay while we were on vacation, to which he invited this guy to, that he was one of "those AA guys." I never got the opportunity to explore with my dad what he thought was "wrong" with that. I just assumed it be true. Well I'm slowly realizing that many things like this have shaped my ideas, opinions and thoughts. Well NO MORE! I can think for myself thanks.
Something I'm amazed with is that a lot of different issues can be related. You would be surprised that some people don't just have one addiction for instance. They may be addicted to other things more innocuous than drugs or alcohol such as food. Also the reason behind why they want to abuse themselves in the different ways is one in the same. It's all intertwined in the gray matter upstairs and navigating through it's deepest parts is definitely no small feat.

I've just begun the descent and I'm scared shit-less, and that's ok!

It's official (again)

A good friend of mine suggested that I take this quiz. I encourage everyone who wants to identify if they are abusive to take this quiz (http://www.verbalabuse.com/quiz1.shtml.) If you get good results, great! If you don't get good results, well this may explain that "thing" that has been driving loved ones out of your life you haven't been able to recognize yet.

I scored an 18, which means that I have a more than a serious problem. I feel ashamed because of how serious of a problem I have. I know I've got the facilities to change and will. My goal now is to hurt the least amount of people possible including myself. I've also been known to be quite self-destructive so there is that battle too.

"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
-someone

Readings: The Emotionally Abused Woman

I was able to read the first two chapters of The Emotionally Abused Woman (amazon link.) I started this post after I began the first chapter. I wanted to quickly jot down some things and intended on revisiting more topics within this book however lost access to it before I could give a nice book report, so.. I will have to buy it and finish writing about my lessons later.
What I read just in the first two paragraphs was, well... I never thought of it that way. What's astonishing is that the victims of this type of abuse report identical mental effects to those that are physically abused. These include symptoms of confusion, low self-esteem, suicidal attempts and other really, really terrible feelings the victim must endure while tolerating such behaviors. The really terrible thing is that the longer the victim stays with the abuser, the more the victim becomes dependent on the abuser, thus actually contributing to the energy in the cycle. The abuser gets more power, which is what abusing someone fulfills the need of and the cycle repeats itself with a greater magnitude of abuse the next time around. Eventually even if this abuse starts as being sarcastic, it is destined to lead to physical violence where someone will get hurt.

This is a much bigger problem than I think we want to admit. I grew up in a community/society where making demeaning jokes about each other was acceptable. Comedians, teachers and especially our peers. I excelled at making such jokes, seeing others laugh because of something I said made me feel better about myself, made me feel in control of being popular. It's sad looking at it in retrospect. My friends and I wasted so much potential and talent by beating each other up and knocking each other down emotionally. This is a scar that I have, as the same friends that would laugh at my jokes, they made jokes about me and literally beat me up just for fun too. Abusers are almost always victims of abuse themselves.
Something I would do to combat my fathers abuse (which he termed as discipline) was make criticizing and demeaning jokes at the dinner table. My mom really enjoyed them because she was the same way. She would laugh and I would feel like she loved me more which gave me the feeling I was after from my parents. I do love my father, he sacrificed a lot for us and did love us growing up, he just didn't handle conflict very well probably because of things he experienced growing up. His father died when he was young so he had nobody to give him a positive example.
I'm very ashamed of not knowing better and abusing my father the way I did. I'm planning a trip home to see my parents soon and will be apologizing for my behaviors and attempt to explain to them how I've come to know of this and perhaps be able to help them in some way.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words break our hearts."
-someone else

Definitions from the book:
Abuse: Any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate (make submissive) another human through the use of fear, humiliation and verbal or physical assaults.

Emotional Abuse: any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. (ie. intimidation, manipulation, refusing to be pleased)