A week of learning

This week brought some pretty good material. After realizing just how high I scored on the verbal abuse test I wanted to take more action other than seeing a therapist once a week. That action was the purchasing of a few books. I hadn't purchased the book I originally linked because it was not at the bookstore I went to and I needed to take immediate action.
The verbally abusive man: Can he change.
Stop Hurting the Woman You Love
Controlling People
Codependent No More
Overcoming Passive-Aggression
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction

So far I've finished The Verbally Abusive Man and realized that I can change and picked up some tools to use in order to change. Reading this, (my first book on abuse) and going through some things with my therapist and really good friend I've been handed some clues as to why I am this way. Basically, the behaviors that I learned growing up and bad things I experienced (I'm a survivor of abuse myself) have been a bad influence. When I was a child having the excuse of "I didn't know any better" was ok. Being an adult however, this excuse holds no water. It's hard to know what's wrong with yourself if you think everything you do is ok. So how should one go about figuring out what is wrong when everything seems OK or at least bearable? A good friend of mine would always say, "you gotta ask yourself." Of course he was trying to get a tell from the other player at a poker table, but it holds pretty true in this context. You've got to constantly ask yourself, "is what I'm doing hurting someone else, is what I'm doing or saying hurting me?" The answer to that is pretty simple. If you answer "no" to any of these questions it means that what you are doing is wrong.

1. Are your behaviors kind?
2. Are they beneficial?
3. Are they honest?
4. Is it the right time to behave that way?

Another thing to do is take a look at what the different between the person you are and the person you want to be is. Would the best person you want to be have this effect on the world around him? Also take time to figure out exactly what is bothering you? Sometimes this second one is hard because it's not as easy to ask yourself what's bothering you if it's covered up with how you were raised or events you chose to forget that happened to you in your life. An abusive childhood or traumatic event you witnessed as a teenager can easily cover up why you do things like take peoples crap at work and come home and kick the dog. Another way to figure out what is wrong, is just start writing about what bothers you. I started a diary and this blog, it helps! Eventually you may find it easy to find a pattern in your emotions or behavior that is something you should change for the better. Then you'll know exactly what you need help solving. Once you are able to pinpoint what is wrong and have figured out why you are like that, the rest falls in place. I realized that these things are so deeply ingrained that it's going to take a lot of time and constant (daily) attention to fixing this behavior and you may to. DOn't be afraid to hear that it will take years to change things, it seems to be the going rate for most issues.
For addicts like myself, well sometimes it takes sucking it up and finding a couple other people that have been or are going through the same thing you are in life. Yes, I mean a support group. I've attempted to attend one, however got some misinformation as to the time and place.
A.A. does not mean you are a weak person, nor does it mean that there is something wrong with you.
I've had this view of "meetings" since I can remember. I shouldn't have been so quick to judge, especially since I had never been to one. Looking back I know exactly where I got this idea from. My dad. Him and I did this renovation job for a recovering alcoholic's model train room. I heard him oversay while we were on vacation, to which he invited this guy to, that he was one of "those AA guys." I never got the opportunity to explore with my dad what he thought was "wrong" with that. I just assumed it be true. Well I'm slowly realizing that many things like this have shaped my ideas, opinions and thoughts. Well NO MORE! I can think for myself thanks.
Something I'm amazed with is that a lot of different issues can be related. You would be surprised that some people don't just have one addiction for instance. They may be addicted to other things more innocuous than drugs or alcohol such as food. Also the reason behind why they want to abuse themselves in the different ways is one in the same. It's all intertwined in the gray matter upstairs and navigating through it's deepest parts is definitely no small feat.

I've just begun the descent and I'm scared shit-less, and that's ok!