A book or two about abuse.

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

Why I wanted to quit today

Today I just felt like quitting. I felt like going to my parents' house in FL. Ted was eating loud, Cavan was being himself and I was taking the wrong attitude about my life. Why? Because I don't feel like I'm smart enough to be a programmer some days. I'm reading a book that will help me a little bit. I realized that I need to start working on anything all the time. No more long masturbation sessions or doing things that don't help me achieve my goals. These things do not help me.

Goals

• Get my Taxes Filed
• Start My Consulting Company on paper
• Finish writing Resume
• Interview for three jobs
• Eat Raw Foods all day once a week
• Read about abuse twice a week
  

Off to see the wizard...

I've been wanting to talk to someone (therapist) about my problems for awhile. This past relationship wit h Slm has shown me the things that are preventing me from becoming the person I want to be. She was and still is a motivating factor for my change, however this is my journey and I must travel it alone with some guidance to get started. I was able to get out of a daily pot habit. I quit for a month, and it began to feel great, but finding the person I've become was mostly disheartening. This loss of spirit is what motivates me to change, a little everyday.

My appointment is at 11:30a right around the corner from work. I'm hoping this will be a positive experience that helps me get started. "You can't see the forest from the trees."

Things I want to address:

• How to change my passive aggressive behaviors.
• How I can change being abusive.
• Determine whether I'm codependent.
• How I can stop letting emotions control my decisions.
  
• Become Goal Oriented.

I emailed Slm to let her know I'm getting the help I talked about. I was looking for at least an encouraging response, but... she is very angry at me and for good reason, I did terrible things to her that hurt her. Not because I didn't care about her, but because my love is abusive sometimes. This is not fair to her, myself or anyone I care about. I know she is keeping an eye on me from a distance and when she finds peace with herself I will be waiting with both ears open to listen to her journey. But I need to find peace with myself before I will find peace with anyone else, this much is painfully obvious.

Not feeling great about self

Since yesterday I started thinking about why Slm bcc'd me an email to her boss yesterday explaining that the project I was helping her do was not going to be ready. I started to email her, but she asked me to never speak with her again. I don't know what to do here. She wrote me the email explaining to never speak with her again while she was upset, so I'm confused on whether she just wanted to say this or if it should be taken at face value. I even attached the logs to the email before just saving it as a draft. I'm thinking one of two things. This is a way for her to abuse me by reminding me that a project of hers at work is failing, and punishing me while also closing things up while she prepares for her departure back to NYC. Or if it's a cry for help to me telling me that she won't speak to him until Wednesday and I do have time to configure my stuff at home for her to demo. This is not a win/win for me. It's damned if I do and damned if I don't.

At this point I think it's best to wait for an apology. I really loved this girl and I'm hurt because I've hurt her. I've spoken to my parents at lengths explaining what I've learned of abuse. While they love and support me I'm not sure they understand why my views of abuse have changed. They feel I'm being over-reactive. The problem is I know the truth, I'm learning about what abuse really is. You're never supposed to hurt the people you care about, ever. Yes life hurts. It's day two, I've made it this far.

And this is the first day of the rest of my life

My first day of my new life. Eh, so so. Apparently I'm a pot addict. I still have abusive behaviors that hurt the people I'm around. I must stop seeing certain friends because they do things that I don't want to do anymore. As always a good shout out for them helping me talk about that thing way back. The community I'm surrounding myself with is not who I should be surrounding myself with. I must change my community.

Work: the workplace could really benefit from me not being unstable right now. We're undergoing the most important project we've ever done. My roll is rather small and I'll be there for mostly emotional support and random good idea or solution to a problem. I have talents, but they require my interface to use them. My interface is abusive. I must change this interface so that people feel good around me and I can feel good for doing something good.

I smoked today, 2 times and ate In & Out for lunch. I now see this as abusing myself.

I called my mom this morning before I left work. I told her what I had learned about abuse and she feels I'm being over reactive. What have I been reading? Below is a list of links I've been reading and why I'm starting to see many reasons why what I'm doing hurts the people I love.
I called my little sister yesterday and today, left voicemails. I owe her an explanation as to why I was they way I was to her growing up and why it's affecting her choices in men, which are bad at best.

Men who eventually one day lose it
There are things I have in common with these men.

Symptoms someone will become more abusive
I have some of these symptoms

Passive-aggressive behaviors
Behaviors I'm known to have for most of my life.

Codependance
Something I should look into about myself.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

I've created this blog for myself to help me identify and resolve the issues I have that have led me to chose to become an abusive person. The power to heal is supposed to be within ourselves, but hidden with fears, insecurities, doubt, despair and other emotions that we must explore if we are to discover and use it.
These are the things that are hiding my power to heal myself.