Dear Self,
I have let you down this past weekend. You and I thought that by smoking all weekend we would be in a better place than when we started. Well, you quit trying. You were able to talk yourself into the bad habits of your past. It's Tuesday morning now. Your spirits are crushed, your goals seeming unimportant. Sad country songs you make up plague your thoughts because you knew how special this person was. The whole time you wanted her to see that things are better when thinking positively. Now, she is and you are proud. It was you that thought she would never change. She has changed and you are not sure about your love for her. Now after all that has been done she tells you that you were perfect for her.
You listened to a song of hers this morning that for some reason you feel a stronger connection to her feelings. Why haven't you been able to make a connection with her feelings when not in song?
It's time to look to god, the guru, the higher power, the universe.
You said you were going to try. You stopped trying. It's getting harder and harder to recover each step I take in the wrong direction. Truth and happiness must prevail. Who are you? What do you want? When will you get it? How much of you can you give when it's all gone?
Karl is not wanting to quit smoking. Matt doesn't understand how we feel about abuse. These people are endangering your progress.
Shari doesn't want to give you a hug. Hug yourself, you will always be there for us! Please stop asking her for things.
You just called Dr. Adams, that is the right choice to make. 562.799.1226
Finding a way to be happy with yourself again is what you will do. It will be hard, but it's so simple. We all want to be strong to be able to fix things on our own.
What are you going to do to keep a lasting change?
Think about you.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
It's been a minute
So last night I had another abusive incident. I didn't think I was fixed and I did stop this blog as well as my journal. That was a mistake. I told her that I would do something everyday. Well, I didn't. I failed. I need to change this.
I've been going to some 12 step meetings and still attending therapy, but that hasn't helped prevent me from being abusive. It is allowing me to see it quicker and I do have some new forensic tools, but the processing never comes fast enough. I feel like I may be this way forever. I may never get better. Like my addictions it will never go away. I feel the need to quit trying, but my "higher self" seems to no let me go here.
Through the 12 steps in most programs the idea of a Higher Self is prominent. I've been doing some exploring and thinking about what it is for me and how I can use it.
I'm sad it happened and I'm devastated due to the consequences, but I must chose to keep going. If I stay here like this I will fail myself. I want to be with someone and I did find her, but couldn't treat her the way she needs to be treated.
Maybe there is another chance (I think I'm up to number 265 now) and maybe there isn't, either way I need to keep on my path of learning from abuse and learning not to abuse. All else is NULL if I don't.
I'm sorry self, I have let you down.
I've been going to some 12 step meetings and still attending therapy, but that hasn't helped prevent me from being abusive. It is allowing me to see it quicker and I do have some new forensic tools, but the processing never comes fast enough. I feel like I may be this way forever. I may never get better. Like my addictions it will never go away. I feel the need to quit trying, but my "higher self" seems to no let me go here.
Through the 12 steps in most programs the idea of a Higher Self is prominent. I've been doing some exploring and thinking about what it is for me and how I can use it.
I'm sad it happened and I'm devastated due to the consequences, but I must chose to keep going. If I stay here like this I will fail myself. I want to be with someone and I did find her, but couldn't treat her the way she needs to be treated.
Maybe there is another chance (I think I'm up to number 265 now) and maybe there isn't, either way I need to keep on my path of learning from abuse and learning not to abuse. All else is NULL if I don't.
I'm sorry self, I have let you down.
Monday, June 11, 2007
A week of learning
This week brought some pretty good material. After realizing just how high I scored on the verbal abuse test I wanted to take more action other than seeing a therapist once a week. That action was the purchasing of a few books. I hadn't purchased the book I originally linked because it was not at the bookstore I went to and I needed to take immediate action.
The verbally abusive man: Can he change.
Stop Hurting the Woman You Love
Controlling People
Codependent No More
Overcoming Passive-Aggression
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction
So far I've finished The Verbally Abusive Man and realized that I can change and picked up some tools to use in order to change. Reading this, (my first book on abuse) and going through some things with my therapist and really good friend I've been handed some clues as to why I am this way. Basically, the behaviors that I learned growing up and bad things I experienced (I'm a survivor of abuse myself) have been a bad influence. When I was a child having the excuse of "I didn't know any better" was ok. Being an adult however, this excuse holds no water. It's hard to know what's wrong with yourself if you think everything you do is ok. So how should one go about figuring out what is wrong when everything seems OK or at least bearable? A good friend of mine would always say, "you gotta ask yourself." Of course he was trying to get a tell from the other player at a poker table, but it holds pretty true in this context. You've got to constantly ask yourself, "is what I'm doing hurting someone else, is what I'm doing or saying hurting me?" The answer to that is pretty simple. If you answer "no" to any of these questions it means that what you are doing is wrong.
For addicts like myself, well sometimes it takes sucking it up and finding a couple other people that have been or are going through the same thing you are in life. Yes, I mean a support group. I've attempted to attend one, however got some misinformation as to the time and place.
A.A. does not mean you are a weak person, nor does it mean that there is something wrong with you.
I've had this view of "meetings" since I can remember. I shouldn't have been so quick to judge, especially since I had never been to one. Looking back I know exactly where I got this idea from. My dad. Him and I did this renovation job for a recovering alcoholic's model train room. I heard him oversay while we were on vacation, to which he invited this guy to, that he was one of "those AA guys." I never got the opportunity to explore with my dad what he thought was "wrong" with that. I just assumed it be true. Well I'm slowly realizing that many things like this have shaped my ideas, opinions and thoughts. Well NO MORE! I can think for myself thanks.
Something I'm amazed with is that a lot of different issues can be related. You would be surprised that some people don't just have one addiction for instance. They may be addicted to other things more innocuous than drugs or alcohol such as food. Also the reason behind why they want to abuse themselves in the different ways is one in the same. It's all intertwined in the gray matter upstairs and navigating through it's deepest parts is definitely no small feat.
I've just begun the descent and I'm scared shit-less, and that's ok!
The verbally abusive man: Can he change.
Stop Hurting the Woman You Love
Controlling People
Codependent No More
Overcoming Passive-Aggression
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction
So far I've finished The Verbally Abusive Man and realized that I can change and picked up some tools to use in order to change. Reading this, (my first book on abuse) and going through some things with my therapist and really good friend I've been handed some clues as to why I am this way. Basically, the behaviors that I learned growing up and bad things I experienced (I'm a survivor of abuse myself) have been a bad influence. When I was a child having the excuse of "I didn't know any better" was ok. Being an adult however, this excuse holds no water. It's hard to know what's wrong with yourself if you think everything you do is ok. So how should one go about figuring out what is wrong when everything seems OK or at least bearable? A good friend of mine would always say, "you gotta ask yourself." Of course he was trying to get a tell from the other player at a poker table, but it holds pretty true in this context. You've got to constantly ask yourself, "is what I'm doing hurting someone else, is what I'm doing or saying hurting me?" The answer to that is pretty simple. If you answer "no" to any of these questions it means that what you are doing is wrong.
- Are your behaviors kind?
- Are they beneficial?
- Are they honest?
- Is it the right time to behave that way?
For addicts like myself, well sometimes it takes sucking it up and finding a couple other people that have been or are going through the same thing you are in life. Yes, I mean a support group. I've attempted to attend one, however got some misinformation as to the time and place.
A.A. does not mean you are a weak person, nor does it mean that there is something wrong with you.
I've had this view of "meetings" since I can remember. I shouldn't have been so quick to judge, especially since I had never been to one. Looking back I know exactly where I got this idea from. My dad. Him and I did this renovation job for a recovering alcoholic's model train room. I heard him oversay while we were on vacation, to which he invited this guy to, that he was one of "those AA guys." I never got the opportunity to explore with my dad what he thought was "wrong" with that. I just assumed it be true. Well I'm slowly realizing that many things like this have shaped my ideas, opinions and thoughts. Well NO MORE! I can think for myself thanks.
Something I'm amazed with is that a lot of different issues can be related. You would be surprised that some people don't just have one addiction for instance. They may be addicted to other things more innocuous than drugs or alcohol such as food. Also the reason behind why they want to abuse themselves in the different ways is one in the same. It's all intertwined in the gray matter upstairs and navigating through it's deepest parts is definitely no small feat.
I've just begun the descent and I'm scared shit-less, and that's ok!
Monday, June 4, 2007
It's official (again)
A good friend of mine suggested that I take this quiz. I encourage everyone who wants to identify if they are abusive to take this quiz (http://www.verbalabuse.com/quiz1.shtml.) If you get good results, great! If you don't get good results, well this may explain that "thing" that has been driving loved ones out of your life you haven't been able to recognize yet.
I scored an 18, which means that I have a more than a serious problem. I feel ashamed because of how serious of a problem I have. I know I've got the facilities to change and will. My goal now is to hurt the least amount of people possible including myself. I've also been known to be quite self-destructive so there is that battle too.
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
-someone
I scored an 18, which means that I have a more than a serious problem. I feel ashamed because of how serious of a problem I have. I know I've got the facilities to change and will. My goal now is to hurt the least amount of people possible including myself. I've also been known to be quite self-destructive so there is that battle too.
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
-someone
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Readings: The Emotionally Abused Woman
I was able to read the first two chapters of The Emotionally Abused Woman (amazon link.) I started this post after I began the first chapter. I wanted to quickly jot down some things and intended on revisiting more topics within this book however lost access to it before I could give a nice book report, so.. I will have to buy it and finish writing about my lessons later.
What I read just in the first two paragraphs was, well... I never thought of it that way. What's astonishing is that the victims of this type of abuse report identical mental effects to those that are physically abused. These include symptoms of confusion, low self-esteem, suicidal attempts and other really, really terrible feelings the victim must endure while tolerating such behaviors. The really terrible thing is that the longer the victim stays with the abuser, the more the victim becomes dependent on the abuser, thus actually contributing to the energy in the cycle. The abuser gets more power, which is what abusing someone fulfills the need of and the cycle repeats itself with a greater magnitude of abuse the next time around. Eventually even if this abuse starts as being sarcastic, it is destined to lead to physical violence where someone will get hurt.
This is a much bigger problem than I think we want to admit. I grew up in a community/society where making demeaning jokes about each other was acceptable. Comedians, teachers and especially our peers. I excelled at making such jokes, seeing others laugh because of something I said made me feel better about myself, made me feel in control of being popular. It's sad looking at it in retrospect. My friends and I wasted so much potential and talent by beating each other up and knocking each other down emotionally. This is a scar that I have, as the same friends that would laugh at my jokes, they made jokes about me and literally beat me up just for fun too. Abusers are almost always victims of abuse themselves.
Something I would do to combat my fathers abuse (which he termed as discipline) was make criticizing and demeaning jokes at the dinner table. My mom really enjoyed them because she was the same way. She would laugh and I would feel like she loved me more which gave me the feeling I was after from my parents. I do love my father, he sacrificed a lot for us and did love us growing up, he just didn't handle conflict very well probably because of things he experienced growing up. His father died when he was young so he had nobody to give him a positive example.
I'm very ashamed of not knowing better and abusing my father the way I did. I'm planning a trip home to see my parents soon and will be apologizing for my behaviors and attempt to explain to them how I've come to know of this and perhaps be able to help them in some way.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words break our hearts."
-someone else
Definitions from the book:
Abuse: Any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate (make submissive) another human through the use of fear, humiliation and verbal or physical assaults.
Emotional Abuse: any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. (ie. intimidation, manipulation, refusing to be pleased)
What I read just in the first two paragraphs was, well... I never thought of it that way. What's astonishing is that the victims of this type of abuse report identical mental effects to those that are physically abused. These include symptoms of confusion, low self-esteem, suicidal attempts and other really, really terrible feelings the victim must endure while tolerating such behaviors. The really terrible thing is that the longer the victim stays with the abuser, the more the victim becomes dependent on the abuser, thus actually contributing to the energy in the cycle. The abuser gets more power, which is what abusing someone fulfills the need of and the cycle repeats itself with a greater magnitude of abuse the next time around. Eventually even if this abuse starts as being sarcastic, it is destined to lead to physical violence where someone will get hurt.
This is a much bigger problem than I think we want to admit. I grew up in a community/society where making demeaning jokes about each other was acceptable. Comedians, teachers and especially our peers. I excelled at making such jokes, seeing others laugh because of something I said made me feel better about myself, made me feel in control of being popular. It's sad looking at it in retrospect. My friends and I wasted so much potential and talent by beating each other up and knocking each other down emotionally. This is a scar that I have, as the same friends that would laugh at my jokes, they made jokes about me and literally beat me up just for fun too. Abusers are almost always victims of abuse themselves.
Something I would do to combat my fathers abuse (which he termed as discipline) was make criticizing and demeaning jokes at the dinner table. My mom really enjoyed them because she was the same way. She would laugh and I would feel like she loved me more which gave me the feeling I was after from my parents. I do love my father, he sacrificed a lot for us and did love us growing up, he just didn't handle conflict very well probably because of things he experienced growing up. His father died when he was young so he had nobody to give him a positive example.
I'm very ashamed of not knowing better and abusing my father the way I did. I'm planning a trip home to see my parents soon and will be apologizing for my behaviors and attempt to explain to them how I've come to know of this and perhaps be able to help them in some way.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words break our hearts."
-someone else
Definitions from the book:
Abuse: Any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate (make submissive) another human through the use of fear, humiliation and verbal or physical assaults.
Emotional Abuse: any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. (ie. intimidation, manipulation, refusing to be pleased)
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Why I wanted to quit today
Today I just felt like quitting. I felt like going to my parents' house in FL. Ted was eating loud, Cavan was being himself and I was taking the wrong attitude about my life. Why? Because I don't feel like I'm smart enough to be a programmer some days. I'm reading a book that will help me a little bit. I realized that I need to start working on anything all the time. No more long masturbation sessions or doing things that don't help me achieve my goals. These things do not help me.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Goals
- Get my Taxes Filed
- Start My Consulting Company on paper
- Finish writing Resume
- Interview for three jobs
- Eat Raw Foods all day once a week
- Read about abuse twice a week
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Off to see the wizard...
I've been wanting to talk to someone (therapist) about my problems for awhile. This past relationship wit h Slm has shown me the things that are preventing me from becoming the person I want to be. She was and still is a motivating factor for my change, however this is my journey and I must travel it alone with some guidance to get started. I was able to get out of a daily pot habit. I quit for a month, and it began to feel great, but finding the person I've become was mostly disheartening. This loss of spirit is what motivates me to change, a little everyday.
My appointment is at 11:30a right around the corner from work. I'm hoping this will be a positive experience that helps me get started. "You can't see the forest from the trees."
Things I want to address:
My appointment is at 11:30a right around the corner from work. I'm hoping this will be a positive experience that helps me get started. "You can't see the forest from the trees."
Things I want to address:
- How to change my passive aggressive behaviors.
- How I can change being abusive.
- Determine whether I'm codependent.
- How I can stop letting emotions control my decisions.
- Become Goal Oriented.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Not feeling great about self
Since yesterday I started thinking about why Slm bcc'd me an email to her boss yesterday explaining that the project I was helping her do was not going to be ready. I started to email her, but she asked me to never speak with her again. I don't know what to do here. She wrote me the email explaining to never speak with her again while she was upset, so I'm confused on whether she just wanted to say this or if it should be taken at face value. I even attached the logs to the email before just saving it as a draft. I'm thinking one of two things. This is a way for her to abuse me by reminding me that a project of hers at work is failing, and punishing me while also closing things up while she prepares for her departure back to NYC. Or if it's a cry for help to me telling me that she won't speak to him until Wednesday and I do have time to configure my stuff at home for her to demo. This is not a win/win for me. It's damned if I do and damned if I don't.
At this point I think it's best to wait for an apology. I really loved this girl and I'm hurt because I've hurt her. I've spoken to my parents at lengths explaining what I've learned of abuse. While they love and support me I'm not sure they understand why my views of abuse have changed. They feel I'm being over-reactive. The problem is I know the truth, I'm learning about what abuse really is. You're never supposed to hurt the people you care about, ever. Yes life hurts. It's day two, I've made it this far.
At this point I think it's best to wait for an apology. I really loved this girl and I'm hurt because I've hurt her. I've spoken to my parents at lengths explaining what I've learned of abuse. While they love and support me I'm not sure they understand why my views of abuse have changed. They feel I'm being over-reactive. The problem is I know the truth, I'm learning about what abuse really is. You're never supposed to hurt the people you care about, ever. Yes life hurts. It's day two, I've made it this far.
Monday, May 14, 2007
And this is the first day of the rest of my life
My first day of my new life. Eh, so so. Apparently I'm a pot addict. I still have abusive behaviors that hurt the people I'm around. I must stop seeing certain friends because they do things that I don't want to do anymore. As always a good shout out for them helping me talk about that thing way back. The community I'm surrounding myself with is not who I should be surrounding myself with. I must change my community.
Work: the workplace could really benefit from me not being unstable right now. We're undergoing the most important project we've ever done. My roll is rather small and I'll be there for mostly emotional support and random good idea or solution to a problem. I have talents, but they require my interface to use them. My interface is abusive. I must change this interface so that people feel good around me and I can feel good for doing something good.
I smoked today, 2 times and ate In & Out for lunch. I now see this as abusing myself.
I called my mom this morning before I left work. I told her what I had learned about abuse and she feels I'm being over reactive. What have I been reading? Below is a list of links I've been reading and why I'm starting to see many reasons why what I'm doing hurts the people I love.
I called my little sister yesterday and today, left voicemails. I owe her an explanation as to why I was they way I was to her growing up and why it's affecting her choices in men, which are bad at best.
Men who eventually one day lose it
There are things I have in common with these men.
Symptoms someone will become more abusive
I have some of these symptoms
Passive-aggressive behaviors
Behaviors I'm known to have for most of my life.
Codependance
Something I should look into about myself.
Work: the workplace could really benefit from me not being unstable right now. We're undergoing the most important project we've ever done. My roll is rather small and I'll be there for mostly emotional support and random good idea or solution to a problem. I have talents, but they require my interface to use them. My interface is abusive. I must change this interface so that people feel good around me and I can feel good for doing something good.
I smoked today, 2 times and ate In & Out for lunch. I now see this as abusing myself.
I called my mom this morning before I left work. I told her what I had learned about abuse and she feels I'm being over reactive. What have I been reading? Below is a list of links I've been reading and why I'm starting to see many reasons why what I'm doing hurts the people I love.
I called my little sister yesterday and today, left voicemails. I owe her an explanation as to why I was they way I was to her growing up and why it's affecting her choices in men, which are bad at best.
Men who eventually one day lose it
There are things I have in common with these men.
Symptoms someone will become more abusive
I have some of these symptoms
Passive-aggressive behaviors
Behaviors I'm known to have for most of my life.
Codependance
Something I should look into about myself.
The first step is admitting you have a problem.
I've created this blog for myself to help me identify and resolve the issues I have that have led me to chose to become an abusive person. The power to heal is supposed to be within ourselves, but hidden with fears, insecurities, doubt, despair and other emotions that we must explore if we are to discover and use it.
These are the things that are hiding my power to heal myself.
These are the things that are hiding my power to heal myself.
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